24 December, 2010
This Christmas has been a little weird for me. Over the past year I've been dealing with an ex girlfriend for whom I still carry a torch. We had been tip-toeing around the subject of dating over the summer but never really came to a conclusion. Long ago I had come to realize that I could never date her since I could never trust her due to her not knowing the meaning of the word "fidelity". It had been nine years since we had dated and she told me of at least one occasion when she was unfaithful to here then boyfriend. By that time I had finally admitted to myself that I would never be able to trust her despite the fact that we get along so well. I have never told her about it because it would serve no purpose and would only hurt her. She has told me that I'm the only person she can really talk to about anything. Why, I don't know. When here current relationship fell apart she disappeared for awhile and then eventually contacted me again. I knew at that time that I was only a friend and a bit of a "rebound guy" to her. That was last February. We spent a lot of time together, which was nice, but she was actively seeking a new man on a dating service. Even though I'm perfectly aware that we will never be a couple, it hurts me deeply to know that she doesn't want me. I haven't talked to her much since October and I find myself wishing I didn't talk to her at all because it hurts to hear her say how she's going to her new guy's place. She told me early on that she was just looking for friendship with this guy, but anyone could see through the bullshit. I think she was only trying to keep me from being hurt. Well, it didn't work. I have absolutely no say as to who she is dating and I keep my mouth shut. In fact, I encouraged here to give this guy another try when she started seeing him. That was very, very difficult for me to do, but I thought it was the right thing to do. As much as I still love her, I'm not going to stand in her way. I hate to say it, but if she hasn't changed at all, the new guy will eventually find out the hard way how she can be. I sincerely hope she can remain faithful to this new guy. But I also hope she has picked a guy that's compatible with her. If she's just settling for "close enough" she'll end up disappointed just as she has in previous relationships and it will lead to more infidelity. It's very sad to see this happen over and over again. I also can't bring myself to tell her that she's on her own and that I won't be there to help her if this current relationship of hers falls apart. I simply plan on doing what I do best, and that is just fading away into the background.