Thoughts And Prayers

One thing I learned while dealing with my Dad's death back in '94 was that "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry for your loss", when heard repeatedly, becomes meaningless.  A more modern, and meaningless, saying is some form of "Thoughts and prayers...."  I heard "I'm sorry for your loss" so many times that I resolved to never say it to anybody who has lost someone important.  During that trying time as I heard the "I'm sorry" so much I thought "Why the hell are you apologizing?"  I understand that the intention was good and, despite the saying making my skin crawl, it was appreciated.  These days, when someone has to deal with a loved one dying, Facebook is awash with the "Our thoughts and prayers are with you..."  Oh, just go and fuck your hat.  The words don't mean jack shit.  You want to support your friend when they've been knocked down?  Here's some suggestions.

Take some food to them.  Your friend and their family are going to be adrift and have temporarily lost their "normal" world.  A simple casserole taken to them as they go through the myriad of things involving funerals and such will speak volumes. 

Mow their lawn, rake their leaves, shovel the snow as the season demands.  Again, taking some task off their already overloaded minds. 

If you're only seeing the bereaved at the funeral, look them in the eye and just give them a hug.  Alternately a hand shake and pat on the shoulder.  A little bit of human interaction from someone who is "outside of the loop" will remind them that people who care are still among the living. 

Offer to help organize stuff.  "Don't worry about the flowers.  We'll load them up and bring them over to your place tomorrow."

Offer to transport people as needed. 

Just be there, hanging out in the background.  When you see the sniffles start and tears start to fall, be there with the tissues.  You see someone trying to get a phone number from a family member they haven't seen in forever... *Bam!* you're there with a pen.  The simple act of being near and making your presence known helps a lot. 

If you're not near to the bereaved, send a freakin' card.  Yes, by snail mail.  You send a card and the recipient has a tangible thing, a personal thing, to hold onto.  If you have a poignant photo of the deceased that might make the survivors smile, send it.

Your fucking "thoughts and prayers" don't do anything.  Your actions are what count.