29 November, 2013

It shouldn't hurt so much

It's been 19 years since my Dad died and 10 years since my brother, Mark, died.  Every now and then something will trigger an uncontrollable fit of crying when I think of them.  The crap we hear, the advice we're given suggests that things get easier as time goes by.  As your politically incorrect resource I can say this.  It doesn't get better.  You merely learn how to cope with your loss just enough to get by.   The mere suggestion of "It gets better."  pisses me off.  It's as if to say the person you're missing decreases in value as time goes by.  That's a lie.  Not having my Dad or Brother around hurts just as much as it did when they died. I honor their memories whenever possible.  My house for instance.  My brother had planned for his nephew's and niece's education.  Education held some serious value for him.  He had, somehow, allotted funds for the education of his nieces and nephews.  He knew that he would not reach old age.  I was living in an apartment with shitty neighbors when by brother, Chris, knocked on my door to tell me Mark had died.  Long after Mark's funeral I found out that I had a rather large amount of money coming to me.  I can't even keep a relationship going, much less get married and have kids.  That money was intended for my children's education but, let's face it, I'm never going to have children.  One of me is enough for the world.  I agonized over what to do with that cash.  After some discussion with Mom, I decided that I would use that money as a down payment  on a house.  I hope Mark would have approved.  I'm now a home owner, but its bittersweet.  I got this house with blood money, plain and simple.  I would happily give it all up if I could get my brother back.  But he's not coming back.  So here I am, in the house Mark provided for me, crying my guts out because it hurts as much as it did the day he died.  I would give everything I have just to hear Mark call me "Champ" one more time.  It won't happen.  You know it and I know it.  The hurt you feel when someone you love dies doesn't go away.  We simply learn how to live with it.   We will all suffer episodes of intense sorrow for the rest of our lives.  We just don't show it in public.  But, it's there.   It's nothing to be ashamed of.  It should be taken as the ultimate tribute to the people we're crying for.  It doesn't get better.

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