15 February, 2014

Taking the Big Leap

Some people just don't "get" the blues.  During a rather strained period in my relationship with "her" I played this video clip for her and said "This is what I'm feeling right now." Click here for the video  It totally went right over her head.  Didn't "get it" at all.  As I've mentioned before, "her" lack of ability to  see the whole picture where music is concerned annoyed me.  She was a typical "top 40" radio station listener.  Music, to her, was ear candy and nothing more.  When I played the video of "Texas Flood" for her she heard the lyrics and nothing else.  She failed to hear the pain in SRV's playing, she failed to connect it with our relationship and she failed to understand one of the most important things in my life.  I should have thrown in the towel right then and there but, as an idealistic young man, I didn't.  I fell into the trap that women usually fall into.  Women tend to think (don't get all sexist on me, you know it's true) that they can "change" men.  Wrong.  Women and men fail to realize that they can't change the core of a person.  Hell, most people seem to be unable to see what makes their mate an individual.  I thought I could train "her" to appreciate music (blues specifically) by comparing it to our relationship.  Wrong.  I wasted my time.  Yet, I remained hung up on "her" for years and years.  I'm totally pissed off at myself for not  giving up on her long, long ago but, hindsight being 20/20, I'm grateful for the experience.  On the flip side, I'm left wondering what I missed about her.  I think I know the important things for her, but I'm left wondering what I may have missed.  It's no secret that music is very important to me.  I use music to express myself, to remember certain things and to relieve stress.  After the debacle of "her" I had given up.  I told myself "You're too old now.  Any woman that would appreciate what music means to  you is already taken."  I, as usual, was wrong.  Enter Linda. 

Linda came to the shop last summer.  Before she showed up I knew that she hadn't been in the workforce for a long time and that a sponsor (for lack of a more accurate term) would be with her for the first month. Her first week at the shop was a good example of what she would encounter in the future.  Total chaos.  Confronted with a computer and software she had no experience with, coupled with the fast pace of things, clearly showed that she would either make it or disappear within a short time.  I quickly realized that she was a very intelligent woman but would crumble quickly if overloaded with new things.  I knew she had mental health issues and that she had a daughter.  Linda hadn't been married.  As I learned who she was, the picture began to become more detailed.  And I began to be more and more attracted to her.  I began to see that Linda was a person who was very intent on being a good person.  Her daughter is the most important thing in her life. Linda came from a similar background to mine and knew a lot of the same people I knew.  She listened to a lot of the music I listened to.  Very important.  I was more and more attracted to her as time went by but told myself  "Dude, you've been through this kind of thing before.  Suppress that rescuer thing and just move on."  I've been failing.  I want to be with her.  Just this recently past Valentine's day I made her a spoon (as well as our accountant) as a way to show her that there are people out there who care about her.  The spoon I made for her had a heart and "MMXIV" to represent "Valentine's day, 2014" on the handle.  As soon as she saw the spoon, she said "Oh, 2014."  That pushed me over the edge.  Linda is beautiful, smart and caring.  I'm willing to give everyone a chance.  If they're committed to being a better person, I'm willing to be their partner.  Linda is, obviously, on medication for her depression issues and I'm willing to be with her.  I'm at the point where I either tell her the things I've just written about, or I leave things as is.  I'll probably dive head first into a relationship with her, if she'll have me, because she's a jewel.  The rest of the guys in the shop just see her as a good looking fifty year old woman.  I'm glad that I can see there's so much more to her than just good looks.  I like her sense of humor, I like her work ethic, I like her looks...  I just hope I can convince myself to give her a chance, and for her to give me a chance, before something else happens.  I hope I make the right decision.


Buttery colored Man said...

So what happened!???

Hopper1 said...

Nothing. She ended up missing a lot of work due to various reasons, some acceptable, some not. In a nutshell I realized she had more issues than I was willing to deal with.

Buttery colored Man said...

Man its tough our there huh?